Why Can’t You Insure a Giraffe?

You ever have one of those days at work? Mine was last week. I am the closing keynote speaker for the Missouri Farm Bureau Office Managers Conference. I arrive late the night before because my flights are delayed because of snow-SNOW in May in Missouri. I go to bed at midnight relieved my keynote isn’t until 11 am and I can sleep in.

At 4:55 am a radio station calls me asking if they can move my interview from 3 pm to 6 am. I get up for some coffee so I can be halfway coherent for this interview. I run for an hour in a 35 degree rain, which is the worst condition to run in because there is no way to stay warm. I return to my room for more coffee and a hot shower.

Arriving at the room where I am speaking, the speaker in front of me is finishing his topic about knowing the products. He says, “You don’t want to tell a customer we can insure a giraffe only to find out we don’t insure giraffes.”

As I’m being introduced, I’m thinking, “Why would anyone want a giraffe? Are their trees providing too much shade and they want all the leaves eaten off? And if that is the case, seems to me a chain saw would be much less expensive. Is giraffe manure good for your garden? Do you have a lioness you need to feed? Considering the demeanors of the two, if you can’t insure a giraffe, I doubt you can insure a lioness.

Ten minutes into my keynote, it is obvious the microphone is not going to work. It is cutting out on every other word, making me sound like I have a bad cell phone connection, “Feelings …based…your…thoughts…just…you…thoughts…a situation…mean…thoughts…based…reality.”

The meeting planner rushes to get the hotel’s audio people to fix the microphone as I preserve on, talking at the top of my lungs so all 300 in attendance can hear me. For the next 10 minutes I’m speaking, there are two technicians working behind me on the microphone resembling the scene from the movie Animal House where the Dean is meeting with the Mayor while a maintenance man works behind them on getting the dead horse out of the Dean’s office.

Half way through my keynote the microphone is restored and all outside distractions are gone, but in my head I’m obsessing about the conundrum, “Why can’t you insure a giraffe?”

You can insure your legs like Betty Grable or David Beckhan. You can buy health insurance for your cats. Many singers insure their voices. (George Burns tried this. Playing a recording of him singing “Yankee Doodle Blues” for his insurance agent., the agent responded, “Mr. Burns, you should have come to see us before you had the accident.”) Tens of thousands of people, including Larry King and Shirley Maclaine have bought alien abduction insurance, although, like George Burns, Ms. Maclaine may have considered buying it before the abduction.

Before going into my closing bit, Superman Panties (http://www.kentraderspeaks.com/), I just have to find ask, so I turn stage right where the speaker before me is sitting and ask, “And why can’t you insure a giraffe? I’ve had a hankering to get a giraffe and now today I find out I can’t get insurance for him.”

Though it got a huge laugh, I never did get an answer to why you can’t insure a giraffe. Some days are just more frustrating than others.

Known as the “World’s Cleanest” comedian and speaker, Kent Rader helps people learn and experience how laughter matters in reducing stress. Kent is the winner of the Branson Comedy Festival and co-stars in The Baby Boomer Comedy Show, Clean Comedy For People Born Before Seatbelts. (You may watch Kent’s segment on Comcast’s Who’s Laughing Now at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVk_10CC_BM). For a free copy of Kent’s stress reduction book titled Let It Go, Just Let It Go, please send an email to kent@kentraderspeaks.com or visit www.kentraderspeaks.com for more information.

The Grand Wizard of Comedy

The weirdest part of my career is when people find out I’m a humorous keynote speaker and comedian, they always ask the same thing, “Why don’t you say something funny?” It’s gotten so annoying I’ve started telling people I’m a Chippendale Dancer.

I’m sure Chippendale Dancers drive something cooler than a Honda Civic. I did have one cool car in my life. When I was 25 years old and single, I was driving a black IROC Camaro Z-28, then I met my wife, Twyla, and she put an end to that nonsense.

Cars are just transportation to us. We’ve owned six cars which we’ve driven 1.5 MILLION miles. And we’re still driving three of them.

Our quest to get every last mile out of a car has twice had me towed in to buy a new car. You’re at a serious negotiating disadvantage when you get towed in to buy a new car. You just can’t demand, “Either throw in undercoating or I’m towin’ this to the Ford dealer.”

I just ordered a new car and when the dealer called telling me it was in, I’m doing a Baby Boomer Comedy Show in Alabama, so I ask Twyla to complete the credit application online. I said, “I’m sure you can do it, but if you have any problems, give me a call.”

In retrospect I can see how she would consider this condescending. At the dealer, I’m talking with the finance manager and he asks, “What is a Grand Wizard of Comedy?”

“A what?”

“Your credit application says your occupation is Grand Wizard of Comedy. What’s that?”

I go, “That’s my wife trying to be funny.”

“Mr. Rader, a credit application is serious business. What is your occupation?”

“Would you believe I’m a Chippendale Dancer?”

He started laughing, “Not on what you make. They make a lot more money than you.”

Known as the “World’s Cleanest” comedian and speaker, Kent Rader helps people learn and experience how laughter matters in reducing stress. Kent is the winner of the Branson Comedy Festival and co-stars in The Baby Boomer Comedy Show, Clean Comedy For People Born Before Seatbelts. (You may watch Kent’s segment on Comcast’s Who’s Laughing Now at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVk_10CC_BM). For a free copy of Kent’s stress reduction book titled Let It Go, Just Let It Go, please send an email to kent@kentraderspeaks.com or visit www.kentraderspeaks.com for more information.

Happy Birthday, Keith

Even though I grew up just outside of Kansas City, Missouri, I became a fan of the cross-state St. Louis Cardinals because during my formative years the Cardinals were great while the hapless Kansas City A’s were basically a farm team for the vile New York Yankees. I danced with joy when the Redbirds won the World Series in 1964 and 1967. The 1968 season was difficult, not because the A’s moved to Oakland, but because the Cardinals lost a heart breaking World Series to the Detroit Tigers.

I was so distraught I got the worst grade of my life that quarter, a D in reading. When Mom saw that report card, she snapped, “Boy, I raise ugly kids, not stupid ones.” Apparently depression over a Cardinals’ loss is no excuse for poor academic performance.

In 1969 when the Kansas City Royals started playing, Dad tried to convert me by taking me to Royals’ games. Though those games are some of my fondest childhood memories, I remained a Cardinal fan, even in 1985 when the Royals and Cardinals faced off in the World Series. On October 27, 1985 I thought I got a sign that our 18-month-old son, Keith, would become a Cardinals fan. We’re driving home from Chicago listening to the game on the radio and just as the Royals recorded the final out of game seven, Keith puked so bad we left his clothes on the shoulder of I-55.

In retrospect, maybe he was just car sick because following college and grad school, Keith repays his devoted and loving parents by going to work for the Kansas City Royals.

Now, I am not going to lie to you. Sitting at Kaufmann Stadium on a warm, summer evening watching major league baseball is wonderful, especially since the tickets are free, but it has caused turmoil deep in my soul.

I broke down mid-season last year and bought my first Royals’ shirt because fans were constantly teasing me for always showing up in Cardinals’ gear. I sent our daughter, Maggie, and her partner, Justin, a picture of me wearing my new Royals’ shirt with a text saying, “I feel like such a traitor.”

Justin, the most ardent Cardinal fan I ever met, texted back, “If it makes you feel better, you look like crap.”

Surprisingly, it did make me feel better.

Now as Keith begins his second season with the Royals, it appears my transformation is complete. I own four Royals’ shirts and three Royals’ sweatshirts. I run in the rain in a Royals’ cap and I even bought royal blue running shorts. I was the opening keynote speaker for the Arizona Workman’s Compensation conference in February in Phoenix and Keith met me there to attend two Royals’ spring training games. I plan things around attending as many Royals’ games as my schedule will allow and I even watch them on television when they are away from Kansas City.

If you saw me, you might say I am a Royals fan, but what I am is a huge Keith Rader fan. Keith has grown up to be an intelligent, thoughtful, appreciative young man. He is a patient father (I don’t know where he learned that because his father has little patience) and has worked hard following his dream to work in major league baseball.

Today is Keith’s birthday and I just want to say I could not be any more proud of him.

Keith commented recently I look better in royal blue than cardinal red, but I must tell you I cut myself shaving today and I still bleed cardinal red.

Go Royals and Keith.

Known as the “World’s Cleanest” comedian and speaker, Kent Rader helps people learn and experience how laughter matters in reducing stress. Kent is the winner of the Branson Comedy Festival and co-stars in The Baby Boomer Comedy Show, Clean Comedy For People Born Before Seatbelts. (You may watch Kent’s segment on Comcast’s Who’s Laughing Now at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVk_10CC_BM). For a free copy of Kent’s stress reduction book titled Let It Go, Just Let It Go, please send an email to kent@kentraderspeaks.com or visit www.kentraderspeaks.com for more information.

Happy Cinco de Mayo

May 6th of last year I was a keynote speaker at a healthcare conference in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I arrived at the hotel the night before as the lobby was filling with people celebrating Cinco de Mayo.

Tired and hungry, I retire to my room for some room service and an early bed time.

I am on the elevator at 6 am the following morning going out to run when two floors later I am joined by a woman who is disheveled, carrying both her shoes and undergarments.

She was startled and embarrassed as she clearly anticipates no one seeing her in this condition so early in the morning.

The elevator door closes, leaving two strangers in uncomfortable silence. The only thing I can think to ask is, “Have a happy Cinco de Mayo?”

We both walked through the lobby laughing.

I wish you a happy Cinco de Mayo and always remember laughter matters.

Known as the “World’s Cleanest” comedian and speaker, Kent Rader helps people learn and experience how laughter matters in reducing stress. Kent is the winner of the Branson Comedy Festival and co-stars in The Baby Boomer Comedy Show, Clean Comedy For People Born Before Seatbelts. (You may watch Kent’s segment on Comcast’s Who’s Laughing Now at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVk_10CC_BM). For a free copy of Kent’s stress reduction book titled Let It Go, Just Let It Go, please send an email to kent@kentraderspeaks.com or visit www.kentraderspeaks.com for more information.

Water Runs Down Hill

Last week I was the opening keynote speaker for the Kansas Rural Water Association conference. I love Kansas audiences because they are routinely fun, and the rural water folks were no exception. I love telling them the story about my week following the arrest of Dennis Rader, the notorious BTK serial killer who terrorized Wichita for 30 years and about a show I did at the Kitchen Pass Restaurant in Parsons, Kansas.

The emcee in Parsons was named Darwin. After he introduced me, my opening line was, “After all the controversy you’ve had over teaching evolution in Kansas schools, you wouldn’t think you’d let anyone named Darwin in.”

But the Kansas Rural Water conference theme was “Let’s Pull Together”. What a great sentiment. I wonder what America could accomplish if we pulled together? Could America solve global warming if we pulled together? Could we find an sustainable alternative to burning fossil fuels if we pulled together? Could we eradicate hunger and disease throughout the world if we pulled together? I bet if Adolf Hitler were alive he would have no doubt what America could accomplish if we pulled together.

The problem, I believe, is too often people with a vested (and often financial) interest in the status quo attempt to divide the American people so we won’t pull together to solve a problem. This has been true throughout our history, but eventually we pull together in addressing America’s problems.

And it seems to me, no one has a more difficult job in America than the good people of the Kansas Rural Water Association. Let me explain.

When I was a kid, the plumber in town, Cecile, impressed me because he always drove a brand new truck. Once I mentioned to my Granddad Rader that Cecile must be smart because he made enough money to buy a new truck every year.

Granddad Rader, who was neither a patient man, nor a fan of Cecile’s snapped, “He’s a moron. All you need to know to be a plumber is 4:30 is quittin’ time and crap runs down hill (he did not use the word crap).”

Well both of Twyla’s brothers are plumbers. They assure me water also runs downhill and they must be know what they’re talking about because they never work past 4:30.

This is where the difficulty for the Kansas Rural Water people comes in. I recently read two researchers have determined, topographically, Kansas is flatter than a pancake. I do not envy their work.

I wish the members of the Kansas Rural Water Association continued success in the future and always remember laughter matters.

Known as the “World’s Cleanest” comedian and speaker, Kent Rader helps people learn and experience how laughter matters in reducing stress. Kent is the winner of the Branson Comedy Festival and co-stars in The Baby Boomer Comedy Show, Clean Comedy For People Born Before Seatbelts. (You may watch Kent’s segment on Comcast’s Who’s Laughing Now at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVk_10CC_BM). For a free copy of Kent’s stress reduction book titled Let It Go, Just Let It Go, please send an email to kent@kentraderspeaks.com or visit www.kentraderspeaks.com for more information.

Ellen And The Pope

Growing up, the rich family in our town was the Hamiltons. There was an old barber in town who said, “If there is anything to reincarnation, I want to come back as a Hamilton.”

I want to come back as our cat, Ellen. Ellen (named after Ellen Degeneres) sleeps 18-22 hours a day (a clue you may be sleeping too much is when other cats congregate to watch you, thinking, “Man, I wish I could sleep like that.”), enjoys an endless supply of Purina Indoor Formula, and anytime she acts cute, one of the humans in the house brushes her.

Everyone loves Ellen. In fact, ever since she ate the ribbon off the Christmas presents requiring emergency surgery, she tells visitors to our house that we love her $1,336 worth.

After surgery and a week at Dr. Daniel’s, Ellen was discharged on the day I left to be the keynote speaker for a healthcare conference in Missouri, so we took her on our trip.

Bless her heart, she’d never been outside our house. Now she spends a week at Dr. Daniel’s and two days in the car and hotel rooms. She didn’t sleep for 36 hours, and by the time we got home, she was psychotic.

That was when she started abusing catnip. One hit and she manically ran through the house until she finally was exhausted. She’d sit in her basket, eyes dilated, staring at the wall. Soon the cat nip began controlling her. She was always trying to score more.

The first step to breaking an addiction is admitting you have a problem. Ellen joined Catnip Anonymous (CA) and she’s been sober going on three years now (that’s 21 years for you and me).

Although she takes it one day at a time, Ellen has found a passion for the St. Louis Cardinals. She loves sitting on my lap watching the Red Birds play. Plus, our outside cat, Jerry, told her they’re delicious. She purred during the 2011 playoff run resulting in the Cardinals’ 11th World Series Championship and she was so upset following the loss to the San Francisco Giants in last fall’s National League Championship Series she only slept 12 hours a day for a week.

Last week I returned home after performing two sold out Baby Boomer Comedy Shows in Venice, FL to find Ellen beside herself. She greeted me with, “What are the Cardinals thinkin’ ‘bout, ‘cause it sure ain’t baseball. I heard on the radio they are in Rome picking a new Pope. If they think they don’t need the practice, they may want to watch the video of last year’s series against the Giants! They need to get back to spring training.”

No matter how we tried explaining it was the Catholic Church Cardinals, she wouldn’t hear it.

No one was happier seeing white smoke billowing from the Sistine Chapel than Ellen.

Known as the “World’s Cleanest” comedian and speaker, Kent Rader helps people learn and experience how laughter matters in reducing stress. Kent is the winner of the Branson Comedy Festival and co-stars in The Baby Boomer Comedy Show, Clean Comedy For People Born Before Seatbelts. (You may watch Kent’s segment on Comcast’s Who’s Laughing Now at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVk_10CC_BM). For a free copy of Kent’s stress reduction book titled Let It Go, Just Let It Go, please send an email to kent@kentraderspeaks.com or visit www.kentraderspeaks.com for more information.

One Score and Seven Years Ago Today

I hope everyone had a pleasant Valentine’s Day. A friend of ours suggested he and his wife get married on Valentine’s Day. What a brilliant plan. First of all, his wife melted at the romanticness of their wedding day being on the one day a year lovers are celebrated around the world, and annually from December 26 to February 14, he will have every retail store in America reminding of his impending anniversary.

Neither my wife, Twyla, nor I are very sentimental about Valentine’s Day. We share the same cynical belief that it is the creation of Hallmark and FTD, but we are certainly in the minority. I read the average American man spends $130 on Valentine’s Day. This means some schmuck spent $260 this year because I spent nothing.

You see, on Valentine’s Day Cupid found me in a hotel room in Phoenix, because I was working a conference the following morning, and Twyla at home, exhausted from yet another day of teaching. I don’t know what Twyla ate that night, but I ordered room service because the idea of eating alone in a restaurant surrounded by couples having a romantic dinner was just too depressing.

When people express envy for the traveling I do, they neglect to realize all the special days I miss. This is not the first Valentine’s Day I have been gone. There have also been Super Bowl parties, Christmas parties, birthdays.

I spent my 40th birthday eating a chicken salad sandwich at Midway Airport in Chicago. I spent my 50thbirthday eating a chicken salad sandwich at Midway Airport in Chicago thinking, “I haven’t come very far in ten years.”

I have also missed anniversaries, but luckily for me Twyla always forgets our anniversary. You see, Twyla’s brain is saturated with theme songs from the 1960’s. The Adams Family, Gilligan’s Island, Bugs Bunny, she can sing them on demand. I swear if she gets Alzheimer’s she’ll forget me and the kids, but she’ll remember, “Come and listen to a story ‘bout a man named Jed, Poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed.”

She recently called me asking, “When is our anniversary?”

As I replied March 1st, she breathed a sigh of relief. I couldn’t resist asking her, “Do you have any idea how long we’ve been married?”

She said, “That’s easy. We’ve been married for…ever.”

Known as the “World’s Cleanest” comedian and speaker, Kent Rader helps people learn and experience how laughter matters in reducing stress. Kent is the winner of the Branson Comedy Festival and co-stars in The Baby Boomer Comedy Show, Clean Comedy For People Born Before Seatbelts. (You may watch Kent’s segment on Comcast’s Who’s Laughing Now at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVk_10CC_BM). For a free copy of Kent’s stress reduction book titled Let It Go, Just Let It Go, please send an email to kent@kentraderspeaks.com or visit www.kentraderspeaks.com for more information.

My Black History

I’m driving with our six-year-old grandson, Kai, and he’s telling me all about school, saying, “My best friend, Kenneth, is an African American, and other than the color of our skin, there isn’t any difference between us. Abraham Lincoln taught us that, and then he was shot in a movie theater.”

Suppressing my laughter, I ask, “Really? What movie was he watching? Hey, do you think it was the movie Lincoln?

“Don’t be silly, Papa Kent. The movie Lincoln wasn’t made until after Abraham Lincoln was dead. Maybe it was Spiderman.”

February is Black History Month, and my conversation with Kai got me thinking of my own black history. Abraham Lincoln didn’t teach me about the insignificance of skin color. That was my mom.

In 1964, as I’m excitedly anticipating starting kindergarten, Mom hears an African-American boy, Jerry, isn’t going to be able to start school because his mom’s job prohibits her from being able to take him. Mom offers for Jerry to ride with us when she takes me to school.

I don’t know about where you grew up, but in 1964 a black and white boy riding together in the back seat of a car was not a common sight around Richmond, Missouri. In fact, Jerry was the first person of color I remember meeting in my life, but we immediately became friends.

Historically our friendship corresponded with our country’s civil rights movement. Stories on the news about black churches being bombed, Bull Conner unleashing dogs on marchers, and the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King horrified me. They weren’t happening to second-class citizens in Alabama or Mississippi. It was as were happening to my friend. Jerry humanized African-American people for me.

Although we’ve never discussed it, based on the racist beliefs of some of her relatives, I doubt Mom was reared to believe in equality between whites and blacks. But Mom overcame whatever prejudices existed in her so she didn’t perpetuate them in me. Mom may not have marched at Selma or helped register black voters in Birmingham, but she contributed to the civil rights fight by encouraging my friendship with Jerry.

I was proud of our country’s election and reelection of our first black President because knowing what America was like in 1964, it shows we’ve made progress. The vile comments about President Obama over the past four years prove we still have a long way to go before we eradicate racism in the United States, but my conversation with Kai gives me hope that in a few generations all Americans may finally be judged by the content of our character and not by the color of our skin.

Known as the “World’s Cleanest” comedian and speaker, Kent Rader helps people learn and experience how laughter matters in reducing stress. Kent is the winner of the Branson Comedy Festival and co-stars in The Baby Boomer Comedy Show, Clean Comedy For People Born Before Seatbelts. (You may watch Kent’s segment on Comcast’s Who’s Laughing Now at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVk_10CC_BM). For a free copy of Kent’s stress reduction book titled Let It Go, Just Let It Go, please send an email to kent@kentraderspeaks.com or visit www.kentraderspeaks.com for more information.

“An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation. “ – Thomas Dewar

Lance Armstrong just confessed to Oprah that, after years of denial and calling his accusers liars, he did use performance enhancing drugs during his cycling career. I thought it was a nice touch when the seven time Tour de France winner opened the interview with, “Forgive me, Oprah, for I have sinned.”

Unfortunately Lance’s penance will probably be somewhat more painful than some “Hail Marys”. For the next few years he will be embroiled in lawsuits and possibly prosecuted for lying under oath. In my opinion, prosecutors should look at the Roger Clements’ case of recent years before wasting taxpayer dollars on this.

Lance is finding Mark Twain was right when he wrote, “The glory which is built upon a lie soon becomes a most unpleasant encumbrance. How easy it is to make people believe a lie and how hard it is to undo that work again.”

After experiencing the destructive effects of lying and doing the hard work it took to undo them, I have chosen to follow Mark Twain’s advice. “I am different from George Washington. I have a higher, grander standard of principle. George could not tell a lie. I can, but won’t.”

Lance is just beginning the hard work to undo his lies, but I wish him the very best because I believe everyone deserves forgiveness.

Although I choose not to lie on major issues, I do like staying in practice by lying on smaller ones. The person I lie routinely to is my friend, Bob McElligott.

Last week during a visit, Bob and I are out on a walk when a large dog comes running towards us. Although the dog never attacked, he continued charging Bob and me. Finally, I say, “Bob, give me your water bottle.”

Bob says, “No, you’ll throw it at the dog.”

I go, “No I won’t, I promise.”

Bob hands me the bottle and I nail the dog with it.

Unlike Lance Armstrong, I am unrepentant because even though I lied, I believe Bob’s gullibility makes him complicit. Bob has known me for a quarter of a century. Not only do I routinely lie to him, as a known obsessive-compulsive, Bob knows I am not going to drink from his water bottle. Plus he has trusted me with his water bottle before and that ended poorly for him too.

COOKING

Last month a survey showed 90% of all office conversations is gossip. It documented most of the time our discussions are snide comments about what co-workers are wearing or sharing rumors about authority figures. It seems we haven’t evolved much from elementary school, playground conversations from elementary school, except today Rick no longer had cooties, but swine flu.

“Ed and Terry sitting in a tree,
D-I-V-O-R-C-E,
First was Patty, then came Mary,
I bet Ed’s alimony payments will be scary.”

Speaking of immature behavior, I also read recently 9% of Americans think Congress is doing a good job. Seriously? That is 27 million people thinking bickering, gridlock, and acting like kindergarteners are signs of quality work. I believe this proves America’s meth problem is worse than we suspected.

And I don’t know about where you live, but here, instead of going after meth heads, our state legislature has passed laws making law abiding citizens feel like criminals every time we buy sinus pills.

You have to show your driver’s license, sign a form promising you won’t use it to make meth because it is common knowledge drug addicts murder, rob, and prostitute themselves, but they wouldn’t lie to Tiffany at Wal-Greens.

And they limit how much you can buy, so during rag weed season, the only people who can breath are on meth.

Last week I’m at Wal-Green buying my sinus pills and Tiffany says, “Sign this form promising you won’t cook.”

I respond, “Gladly, I’ll do anything to get out of cooking. Does this take effect immediately because you will need to call my wife, Twyla, because she is expecting me to fix supper when I get home.”

Tiffany asks, “Are you high?”

“Not yet I’m not.”

That was a mistake because Tiffany has the right to refuse service and she exercises it. So I’m on the street corner trying to score some Claritin.

Known as the “World’s Cleanest” comedian and speaker, Kent Rader helps people learn and experience how laughter matters in reducing stress. Kent is the winner of the Branson Comedy Festival and co-stars in The Baby Boomer Comedy Show, Clean Comedy For People Born Before Seatbelts. (You may watch Kent’s segment on Comcast’s Who’s Laughing Now at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVk_10CC_BM). For a free copy of Kent’s stress reduction book titled Let It Go, Just Let It Go, please send an email to kent@kentraderspeaks.com or visit www.kentraderspeaks.com for more information.

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